A Conversation I had yesterday

I have been thinking a lot of a conversation I had yesterday with an adult leader from the Kansas group. He was talking about the need to feel accomplishment and "to see the change you've enacted." He wanted to see something tangible; a before and after picture. He even said it was a necessity. I understand this thought. I've reflected and at times struggled with this same question. I told him after 8 weeks, in the grand scheme of things, I'm not sure of the impact of my being here.

I asked him, "Why?" Why is it necessary for you to have something tangible to point to? I began thinking about this exchange more in depth last night. Why is the before and after pic important and for whom?

I came to a realization last night that seeing a house, a project completed can be similar to building your treasures here on Earth; they are in themselves their own reward. The most profound and meaningful impacts are those that touch someone's life, get personal and relational, and the effects of which are most likely not immediately seen. I think impacting someone's life in a real, personal, and long-lasting way is on a different level of service. This doesn't necessarily take time, but definitely takes effort.

This deeper level of service also requires the faith that God was working with you, and will continue working after you. It is required to believe that God will provide in the end, despite all of the evidence around you pointing to otherwise. If one is really, truly serving, then its not about you. The long-lasting impact that you may never see the extent of is much more meaningful and more in line with Christ's view of selfless love. If you can serve at that level and have faith in God to provide, then what does it matter if you can point to a picture and say that's what I did. Paint will fade, houses will eventually need to be rebuilt, roofs will again need to be repaired, but loving someone and being in a personal relationship with them can possibly change things in a way you could never imagine or even be able to see.

So, after 8 weeks, I can leave here pointing to all the concrete (pun included) changes which in the grand scheme are minimal, or I can take away the intangible variables: The kids I've played with and shown attention, the people I've talked to/worked for, the patients whose hands I've held, the communications with Larry, and all of the things that may not even seem like much. I have faith that God was with me, and I think I can leave with faith that God will provide.

Paz,

Mateo

It's good to laugh

Today was a nice, breezy and light-labor day. Ryan and I took some of the group from Kanasas out to paint, install a window, and finish up some other small tasks at Santa Maria. The window is installed and now provides Margarita with light, a nice breeze, and a place for hot air and smoke from the kitchen to escape. This small task of installing a window will make a world of difference for her.

After the volunteers left for the day, Ryan and I took Allysa Allen (juntos servimos board member and education expert) to Larry and Nancy's. She along with her daughter and son will be staying with us for the night which brings the total of people in the house to a whopping 10 people.

Today I found myself always laughing. I laughed at a young high school girl tripping over a bucket of paint, the jokes of Margarita and Irvin (who has been helping me paint). I also laughed as Alexis and I played again today, engaging in tickle wars. I also enjoyed watching him come up with deceptive and creative ways to sneak up on me.

Even after "work" ended, the laughter continued. I just finished watching the Simpsons movie with Mrs. Allen's young children. Will, 7 years old, was quoting the movie and begging me to "watch this part!" I enjoyed laughing at the jokes that were tailored for adults, and at the ones tailored for kids. It can be fun to lower your sense of humor to that of a 7 year old at times...

It has been a great day so far, and there is talk of going to the taco stand tonight for dinner; so I'm pumped.

Have a laughter-filled evening,

Matt

I'm tired

It is late and it has been a full day, so I'll just post some highlights of the day...

Lead a volunteer group at the Santa Maria Colonia. They did a great job and it went really well.

At Santa Maria I saw Alexis who suffers from Autism riding a bicycle. This was amazing, and a skill aparently he has learned in only a few days. He would zip around, in and out of the complex, even riding to a friend's house across the street. FYI, he is also very protective of his new toy.

Alexis and I also discovered a new game we can play. He will sneak up on me and try to tickle me. He loves to be in tickle wars - tickling each other and playing as most 7-8 year olds like to. It was a very neat moment as I saw him acting very happy and playful.

Playing with Jabez when I returned to Bugambilla. What a kid, it's going to be hard to leave him behind...

Picked up Ryan Gunter at the airport. We have lots of stuff to do in the next few days...

Until later,

Matt

Today was deceptive

I awoke as usual and stumbled into the kitchen to make coffee. To my surprise I awoke an hour earlier than normal with no assistance from any of the kids. I took this to be a sign that there would be a lot of work and that today was to be busy-despite having no volunteers.

Well, after being delayed an hour by phone calls, we arrived at Bugambilla around 9:45. Larry, Federico and I went out to Santa Maria to see if the roads were passable, and to see exactly what needed to be done. We arrived to find a wet, but passable colonia. Unfortunatley, many of the houses were built too low and took on water from the storm. Some yards are still better described as ponds. We got to the refuge and school there to learn that in fact many people had used the place as a refuge because of the high ground and concrete ceilings. There is indeed a lot of work that still needs to be done to get the house and school fully operational. Next week I will lead a volunteer group there and will be in charge of creating the space for and installing a window in Margarita's kitchen. I'm excited and a little apprehensive over this task and responsibility, but I am confident in my construction abilities after learning so much this past summer.

After a quick lunch at Bugambilla, Federico and I set out the tools needed for the three worksites so that they would be ready to go on Monday morning when the volunteers arrived. After a little more planning for next week, Larry retired to nap, and I worked on the computer creating a medical form for Dra. Nancy and a form that Larry and I created to better keep track of the food used at Bugambilla. Hopefully the latter form will help control some spending, while also cutting down on the number of trips to stores because it will force the women in the kitchen to use a little foresight. Along with these forms, I was able to be constantly plugged into my e-mail (Probably a comparable feeling to a herion addict sticking a syringe in his arm) and world news. It was a slow afternoon of computer work and surfing the web. Many thanks for the words of encouragement from the friends I chatted with and from the e-mails I recieved. The afternoon was going well until my friend and former roomate gave me an update on the Red Sox /yankees series and an inning by inning announcement of my team's defeat. Scott, you suck.

Thoughout the day there are always other little things that need to be fixed or done. For example, today when in one of the bathrooms, I noticed that the door handle was broken. In order to get out, it required some strength; more than the patients at Bugambilla would be able use. So, I replaced it. Unfortunately, we noticed many many more of these things as we were getting ready to leave at 6:15. The trash was building up, and for some reason (incompetance) the women in the kitchen had not called the trash-men and allowed trash to overflow and bugs to collect. Larry and I spent quite a while picking up loose trash, replacing trash bags, cleaning out the area, trying to kill the maggots, and all of the things related to that. After that, Larry began sweeping an area that Mimi had not swept and that was full of leaves and light debris. We noticed that the lumbar that had been delived earlier had fallen over because it was not stacked well, and that the kids had also messed it up by trying to climb on it. I re-stacked the 2x4 pile until it was neat and then created braces to keep it from falling or getting messed up. After that we cleaned up a large pile of junk, debris, branches, and other things from in front of Bugambilla in hopes of not allowing a place for bugs, mosquitos and rats to dwell. Finally, at 8:45 we left Bugambilla. What at some points seemed like a light day, quickly snowballed into a very dirty and full day.

Other than the plot summary above, the day was also filled with lots of emotions as today marks the decent into my final week. In many ways I am ready to get back, to re-enter a "normal" life with my friends, family and familiar surroundings, but I am also hesitant to leave. I have developed many relationships and care for people down here in a way that doesn't allow me to simply leave; I'm attached to this place, to these people. While I have quelled any thoughts of not making an impact or a difference, another question remains; one of hope and faith. Over the last few weeks and especially today, examples of incompetance, even stupidity on part of some of the people here have been all too evident. Progress will only come to this area of Mexico after a large social reform and much more education. While I am comfortable leaving, knowing that I've done what I can and that there will be those behind me to continue the work, I cannot help but wonder about the future of the colonia, and especially a few of the kids living there. What will happen to them? Do I have hope and faith that things will change and that these kids I've grown to love will turn out alright? It can be difficult to answer in the affirmative after seeing some of the things I have. That is where I am, trying to honestly leave with the faith and hope that progress is coming, and that I have been on the front lines enacting that change.

Sorry for its length,
-Matt

Hello Dolly...

Matt Merrill 1 ; Hurricane Dolly 0

Well, as some of you know and more of you have told my mother, Hurricane Dolly was headed straight for my location. Luckily it either turned North, or turned into a weak girly storm. I only mock this beast of nature because I have seen what little damage it did to the Matamoros / Brownsville area after quite a buildup of hype.

Yesterday I was sequestered with the group from Temple, TX in the Brownsville Methodist Church. Although we lost electricity for most of the day and night, we made the most of it. We played Operation by candlelight, I read and read and read by flashlight, and at night we used a candle and a butane lighter to pop a jiffypop popcorn package.

Today the group remained in Brownsville to be cautious and to see the Dark Knight. I went with Pat Pace and his associate David. The plan was to go by the warehouse, load up two trucks full of water and beans, then go to a shelter 1/3 of the way to fishing villages along the coast (Pat and David do this twice weekly, and I've been several times) and to return to Bugambilla in the mid-afternoon. We did load up the stuff, distribute food and water at the shelter, but also then proceeded to 5 of the fishing villages giving out food and water to the people who only rely on the shrimp and fish they catch to survive until about 8:00pm. We distributed food to between 75-100 families and helped several men transport their boat motors back to their boats, thus enabling them to work tomorrow. We had no trouble with the roads and were pleasently surprised by the lack of damage by wind or rain.

After a full day of distributing, we went to Casa Bugambilla to meet up with Larry. Once again, we were surprised by the lack of damage. Most of the paved roads are passable, while the dirt ones are now the muddy wreck that occurs after each rain. It really wasn't bad. I do not know much about the condition of the patients, but everyone I saw seemed happy and fine. I am going to spend tomorrow there helping where I can.

A closing thought, if I may, courtesy of my friend Aaron Villarreal in regards to my feelings as my time here comes to a close:
"and in some cases, you're just sowing seeds. It may be someone else's job to water them..."

-Matt

If You'll Let Me- Here's My Post

Written by Amy Merrill:

I asked Matt if I could crash his blog and well, what’s a son to do? Randy and I had a great weekend visiting Matt, spending some time understanding his world this summer, and just getting a feel for all the mixed emotions Matt has experienced throughout the past six weeks.
Our weekend started on Friday shopping for supplies at the Brownsville Wal-Mart with Larry and Matt. We were shopping for more pillows since Casa B. was due to increase its occupancy from a usual number of 7 to 9 to as many as 16. This is a relatively big jump for small space so much of our weekend was spent working on projects to comfortably accommodate all. Once we got across the border and over to Casa B we had the pleasure of getting to know the folks we’d only met in Matt’s blog. Lupita’s smile is fantastic; I enjoyed sitting with her and exchanging smiles and expressions. I could tell she wanted to convey all kinds of stories but doesn’t have the strength in her vocal cords to do so. She is slowly gaining strength in her neck through twice daily massage sessions.

We spent most of Friday afternoon at Casa and Friday evening at Larry and Nancy’s house. We spent time with Kayla who was very excited at having new visitors; she is 8 with a mental capacity of about 3 but is very sweet and loving. I would call her the “motor mouth” of the household but was very anxious to make sure she pronounced my name correctly and Randy’s. Through the evening and the weekend, I must’ve asked Larry hundreds of questions on how the system works in Mexico, how they get their families, who gets houses and how that is decided, and countless others. Larry very patiently answered each one as if it wasn’t really the thousandth time he’d been asked that question. Of all the questions and all the takeaways (and there are so many) I was most interested in how the community decides who needs the next house or where Larry should build the next school. It is obvious Larry and especially Dr. Nancy have become known throughout the community for helping so many and that the community takes the responsibility in deciding who is deserving of Larry and Nancy’s generosity. It makes for a synergetic relationship between the community and Casa B.

Saturday we embarked on our first “light construction project” building a wheelchair ramp. I asked Randy to take a picture of it – carpenter quality work! We enjoyed lunch with Larry, Dr. Nancy, Jesse, Nincita, Gloria, Jabez, and Kayla at a wonderful fish restaurant.
Gloria is 14, very smart, always smiling teenager who lives with Larry and Nancy. She is great with all the younger children and has a very quiet, kind soul. I could easily see her following Nancy’s footsteps to being a doctor some day.

Jabez warmed up to Randy and us throughout the weekend as he is somewhat shy. We played games imitating each other with peace signs, fists, and other hand signals – he is so cute and sweet. My heart still breaks and I tear up easily thinking about a mother leaving him for hours on end alone, hot, without anyone or any water. I think he will be far better off as the newest addition to Nancy and Larry’s household although how hard for someone that young to understand why he is not with his mother.

Unless you’ve been there you can’t really visualize the poverty. It is overwhelming. Walking along the dirt roads out to the canal where companies dump their waste, the smell is nauseating yet there are houses all along there as it was beachfront property. The roads are all formed by nature; if a big rainstorm comes it is difficult to get through the mud. There is no good water source, no plumbing, and in many cases no electricity. If there is electricity, there is usually a fan but that is the extent of the relief to the heat. It certainly makes one appreciate all they have and wish that there was more parity in the world.

I know it is hard when faced with such overwhelming poverty to wonder if the time you spend or the little things you do make a difference. If the short time you’re with someone, does it really impact the rest of their life? I don’t have answers for these questions but when we were at lunch at one point five children ranging in ages 2 to 14 were chanting Mateo, Mateo, Mateo
- I got the feeling one very special young man was making a difference the summer of 2008.


Thanks Mom; I love you.

Matt

Nuggets of Mission Wisdom

Today was the last day of work with the group from Allen. They accomplished a lot and worked constantly with good attitudes. I really enjoyed interacting with them, and as I drove to several different work sites today, I saw the good jobs that were accomplished. I also found a radio station that carries over from Brownsville that played all of my guilty pleasures; great afternoon.

Tonight they invited Larry and I for dinner, and a special closing ceremony and communion service. It was very special as we shared in communion and recalled our experiences from the week. There came a time when the seniors of the youth group were asked to give their departing wisdom to the younger students in the group. As I sat there and thought of what I would say after spending 6 weeks here in Matamoros 3 things came to mind. These are directly targeted at the youth group and by no means cover what I have learned or experienced, but I thought I would share it with all of you because someone may find these words helpful:

1) In the next few years and really throughout your life, you will be presented with many opportunities to serve and to do many miraculous things. Do them. Never turn down an opportunity because of fears, doubts, or excuses. The most meaningful things in life often occur in the unknown, where we are drawn outside our comfort zones and asked to do things for something greater than ourselves.

2) I know what it means to spiritually struggle. There are times in my life in which I have been full of doubts and questions, often overshadowing my hope and faith. These times are painful and complicated. If you are experiencing this, or maybe if you encounter this in the future, I have some advice. Do something like this. Go on a mission trip. Find a way to serve, whether it is going to Mexico, or simply volunteering at the local soup kitchen. Find a way to genuinely get in the lives of those who are suffering and serve them in a loving way. One thing I have found is that when you do this, and simply live in the moment, all of the other things seem less important. What demands your attention is the suffering of others you are working to alleviate, and somehow the practical actions of living out what Christ talked about all those years ago dissolves many of the questions and doubts into a gray area that is less important and more manageable.

3) And lastly, know that it is ok if you feel weird or out of place next week. Know that some of the feelings and experiences you have had will not begin to be processed until you have had a few days separation and are back in the "real world." This is fine and to be expected. I hope that you leave here with questions, with a changed perspective, and with an aching heart. Next week may seem weird and challenging, but its what you do with these emotions, thoughts, and perspectives that will ultimately define your experience.

Quickly, other cool things that happened today:

We had a communion service at Casa Bugamilla for the sick, in which Hugo gave a great sermon in Spanish.

I have been taking my pocket size New Testament and Psalms book (thanks to the Gideon outside Branscomb freshman year before my 8:00 math class) into the bathroom for a little toilet reading. This is surprisingly an amazing way to make sure you read the Bible at least once a day. Anyway I was flipping around, reading what caught my eye and I found this part of Psalm 82:
"Defend the poor and fatherless; do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the poor and needy; free them from the hand of the wicked." --Verses: 4-5

I don't really know if I like the whole psalm or if I really understand it, but I'll take these two verses in the context I choose and like it.

Dios te Vendiga,

Mateo

"You'll have to excuse my friend, he's a little slow"

I'm sorry about the lack of updates, but I assure you I am alive, healthy, and well. I have continued to carefully stay away from police officials, and no harm has been done.

The reason I have not updated honestly, is because of a stagnant chain of events. Everything I have done or seen in the last week, for the most part, I have described to you all. A few interesting events though....

There has been a man at Bugambilla with heart problems and several others. He cannot move independantly and began speaking to me the other day. I couldn't understand a word. I was the only one around and he looked to be in a lot of pain, so I started getting upset with myself and my inability to hear his words. It was as if he didn't have the strength to pick up his upper lip and move his jaw. I got someone else and together we moved him into the kitchen to eat. I found out that no-one, could understand him. Over the last couple of days he would scream and I would help move him from his bed to a wheelchair and vice versa. There was a time I just sat with him and held his hand. His eyes looked terribly sad, as if he wanted to die but couldn't. That must be a horrible condition to live in.

This week we have had a group from Allen in; they have 55 people. It has been great interacting with a youth group, and helping them with their projects. They have been great with the kids, and have helped us institute a new education program for volunteers.

Even among volunteers and refreshing personalities who add new perspectives each day, the work down here can become monotonous. It is not hard to become absorbed in the consistancy of the work day after day, and discouraged by the consistant suffering around you. Although I have been having a good experience, at times it is hard to not think about the comforts of home. With this base of understanding some of my emotions add this next part which I tell not to shed light on myself but merely to portray the complex feelings of my experience. The last few days have been tough as Nancita asks me almost every 5 minutes when I'm leaving and when I'm coming back. Nancita and Gloria have both tried to convince me to stay permanently, and Jesse has even offered up his room. It plays with you, I promise. The fact that Nancita keeps hugging me because I am leaving "very soon" is an amazing compliment, yet is a reminder that I have a responsibility to continue these relationships. As I long for home sometimes, these kids somehow sense that, and make it harder to leave.

With much love and a commitment to write more frequently,

Matt

Friends

"I get by with a little help from my friends"

Well, I haven't written in the last three days because I have been having too much fun with Alex and Neil, my two friends from Dallas who share my passion for service. The last few days have been amazing as I laughed a lot, responded to lots of tough questions, and somehow build a bathroom in Casa Bugambilla.

Not much on the work end of things happened this week; just more of the same. We are currently re-doing a storage / shop area and turning it into different rooms for patients. I have of course been spending more time with Jabez, Lupita, and the regulars at Casa Bugambilla.

On a different note...
It's amazing what you see down here. I have seen such suffering, corruption, and incompetancy. Sometimes it seems overwhelming. However, no matter how much I see, no matter what I simply can't change--It is important for me to do what I can. I seem to understand what some others down here, mostly another service organization, don't: That it is not enough to settle for something that is "better than nothing." I am comforted by the fact that the work I am doing is going to last. While not drastically changing entire cities, I am significantly affecting the lives of some. The houses I help build will survive a storm, unlike some of the ones I saw today built by another group. Whatever worth doing, is worth doing well right? Well for now, I am serving here; and I plan on serving as best as I can. Sometimes you must surrender you ambitions and desires to change the whole situation, and focus on changing individual problems one by one.

Sorry if I seemed to ramble or go off on a diatribe, but I did see some disturbing examples of incompetance and exploitation by people who claim to be helping and "doing good in the community". I am not so convinced, and a little angry.

Please keep e-mails and comments coming. I really appreciate them.

Paz,

Matt

"Bring on the Rain"

I can't believe I quoted Tim McGraw and Jo Dee Mecina. That was obviously for you Mom.

Anyway, today I awoke to the sound of raindrops hitting the window. I awoke fully refreshed, slowly made my way out of the room to start some coffee only to find that it was 6:45 and that I was ahead of schedule. Anyway, the day had a lot in store.

We went to Casa Bugambilla to find that there was a lot of water threatening the patients rooms and acumulating towards the back. Due to the city building the roads a good two or three feet higher than promised, water runs the wrong way--toward the houses. When there was a break in the rain, Larry, Santos, Antonio, and I grabbed buckets and filled up a 200 liter drum many, many, many times and then dumped it into the street. We did the same after lunch during another break in the storm. All in all, its not unreasonable to think that we moved more than 8 tons of water today.

When the storm was too strong to move water, I played with Jabez, Lupita, and Melaria. Melaria is Teresa's youngest daughter who speaks way too quickly for me to understand and hangs out at casa bugambilla. It was a fun, low-key aspect of the day. It was funny blowing bubbles, and playing with these little kids, something I have found that I do very well.

More fun awaits tomorrow as my friends Alex and Neil are joining us here for what is bound to provide even more laughter and joy to the work day.

Anyway, thanks for reading!

Mateo

Heee'sss Baaackk!

Wow! Today I flew back to Matamoros. Larry met me at the airport where we began talking about everything from politics to the most basic of events over the last week. It was all great conversation that lasted us through the drive, a wal-mart supply run, and dinner. The Sunday Times and Time Magazine I bought at the airport today may or may not have helped.

When we arrived at the house, I opened the door to four kids all yelling my name and running for hugs. It was honestly surreal. I could not have imagined a better welcome, or a sweeter return than to those voices and hugs. The best moment of the day though was when Jabez began saying my name, ran towards me and literally jumped into my arms. He quickly told me to watch as he showed me his new skill, the summersault. All my frustrations and fears about not making an impact here melted away. I couldn't believe the love I felt today, and I only hope that I have at least shown them a fraction of that.

Today was amazing, and most importantly re-assuring. Today reassured me of my significance and importance here. What a blessing!

Love,

Matt

A relevant fortune cookie

While at Pei Wei tonight I had a few fortune cookies. This is what one told me: "The courage to be great lies deep within each of us." I started thinking of this on the ride home and how it applies to me. I also noticed my growing frustration over the last couple of days as I near the return to Matamoros for another 4 weeks.

Over the last week, I have been thinking about my experience and poorly explaining it to everyone in Dallas. It is a very hard summer to describe as it has been a summer of contradictions. This summer has been a dichotomy of wealth/poverty, comfort/suffering, joy/sadness, significance/lack of change, and hope/despair. Now I know what Joseph Williams and a few of you are thinking, "Matt you are using a logical fallacy." Although this may be true, as it is possible to have joy among sadness, comfort among suffering, etc... when I'm in the moment, I find myself dealing with extremes. These extreme feelings have accounted for much of my frustrations and my tired state of being. I am still frustrated as I find myself floating back and forth between these emotions and perceptions.

Of all of these, my attention this last week has been drawn to the question of the significance of my experience, and the dichotomy of hope/despair. I find myself often asking, "What have I really done?" "What lasting change will I be able to enact?" "Who is really benefiting here?" It is easy for me to get caught up in the vastness of the need and suffering of the people in Matamoros and difficult to feel like I have even moved a gain of sand on a metaphorical beach. It has been difficult to look at the last four weeks and at the four to come and ask myself, "Is it enough?" only to come to the answer, "No." I ultimately have not done enough. I'm not sure enough can ever be done. So, where does that leave me? Frustrated.

I've found that another part of my frustration lies in what I know to be the hard choice, the easy choice and the right choice. I know what is the right thing to do, and then I know what I selfishly want to do. Not surprisingly, they are in contrast. I know that the right thing (at least for me right now) is to go back, to re-enter into the service of others. However, this is also the harder of my options. I know that it would be much easier for me to not go back, to stay in Dallas and relax until school started. But, as The Fray puts it, " Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same," and I know what I must do. As a cookie told me tonight, I must dig deep within myself and find the courage to be great-- to do the hard, the right thing.

I look forward to seeing how I will continue to grow and learn through this experience, and how I will serve. Thank you for reading--it means a lot. Please keep supporting me through comments, e-mails, and prayers.

Matt

Pictures

You can view my pictures by clicking the link below:

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=0EcNmLNw5YsnJw&notag=1

enjoy!

Matt