While at Pei Wei tonight I had a few fortune cookies. This is what one told me: "The courage to be great lies deep within each of us." I started thinking of this on the ride home and how it applies to me. I also noticed my growing frustration over the last couple of days as I near the return to Matamoros for another 4 weeks.
Over the last week, I have been thinking about my experience and poorly explaining it to everyone in Dallas. It is a very hard summer to describe as it has been a summer of contradictions. This summer has been a dichotomy of wealth/poverty, comfort/suffering, joy/sadness, significance/lack of change, and hope/despair. Now I know what Joseph Williams and a few of you are thinking, "Matt you are using a logical fallacy." Although this may be true, as it is possible to have joy among sadness, comfort among suffering, etc... when I'm in the moment, I find myself dealing with extremes. These extreme feelings have accounted for much of my frustrations and my tired state of being. I am still frustrated as I find myself floating back and forth between these emotions and perceptions.
Of all of these, my attention this last week has been drawn to the question of the significance of my experience, and the dichotomy of hope/despair. I find myself often asking, "What have I really done?" "What lasting change will I be able to enact?" "Who is really benefiting here?" It is easy for me to get caught up in the vastness of the need and suffering of the people in Matamoros and difficult to feel like I have even moved a gain of sand on a metaphorical beach. It has been difficult to look at the last four weeks and at the four to come and ask myself, "Is it enough?" only to come to the answer, "No." I ultimately have not done enough. I'm not sure enough can ever be done. So, where does that leave me? Frustrated.
I've found that another part of my frustration lies in what I know to be the hard choice, the easy choice and the right choice. I know what is the right thing to do, and then I know what I selfishly want to do. Not surprisingly, they are in contrast. I know that the right thing (at least for me right now) is to go back, to re-enter into the service of others. However, this is also the harder of my options. I know that it would be much easier for me to not go back, to stay in Dallas and relax until school started. But, as The Fray puts it, " Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same," and I know what I must do. As a cookie told me tonight, I must dig deep within myself and find the courage to be great-- to do the hard, the right thing.
I look forward to seeing how I will continue to grow and learn through this experience, and how I will serve. Thank you for reading--it means a lot. Please keep supporting me through comments, e-mails, and prayers.
Matt
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